Anxiety and Me
White and grey clouds over a green corn field with a green tree. J.Scott, 2024
Anxiety and me go way back. I don’t really recall when we first met, but I know we’ve been acquaintances for most of my life. I suppose it’s just always been in my life.
Sometimes the friends you have are the worst influences over you. They tell you to do things you shouldn’t, and to not do things that would be good for you. For me, anxiety was that friend.
In my early 20s it got so bad that I couldn’t leave my house except to go to my part-time job. I was drifting as a lost soul, not really knowing what to do with my life. I was in an intense “cat-like state of readiness” no matter what the situation: when sitting at home, when getting ready to go to work, at work (that was the worst, because I had no control over what happened or when), and even when trying to go to sleep. If you’ve ever experienced any kind of anxiety, you’ll understand the feeling. If you haven’t, I’m glad you have been spared that, and pray you are always blessed to never experience it.
The only moments I felt any peace, was when I was spending some creative time.
Before my self-imposed home-prison time commenced, a friend took me to a pottery class with her, and I was hooked. I loved it, I loved the creativity, the feel of the clay, taking this raw material and making something out of it (even badly) felt so rewarding. It didn’t last though. Only working part-time meant I couldn’t afford to keep going, so that was out. Occasionally I’d pull out the clay at home and make a pinch pot or two to keep me occupied, but it wasn’t the same.
My Mum taught me how to crochet when I was bored, and I was once again (and more literally) hooked. Crochet would occupy my hands and my mind, and I would feel calmness. At least I wouldn’t feel this nagging sense of dread that fell over everything else in my life.
Eventually I went to a doctor and was sent for proper help, with the diagnoses of generalized anxiety disorder with panic attacks. Ever had a panic attack? I don’t recommend them. They’re not a lot of fun. Great for activating every single system in your body when you want them to stay still, but other than that, not a lot of use. They were probably very helpful when you were being chased by a wild creature and needed the burst of energy to get the heck out of the way to save your life, but not particularly helpful when you’re sitting calmly in a room with other people.
Crochet was a way to expend that energy, occupy my mind, and calm me down. After the initial diagnoses, medication and therapy were a part of my treatment, and were incredibly helpful. The medication, however, was meant for short-term use and was actually starting to trigger panic attacks rather than to keep them away, so I was weaned off of it.
The coping skills from therapy were very helpful, and eventually I found other things to assist in my ongoing management of anxiety: aromatherapy, walking, and most recently, prayer. Through it all, crochet and other forms of creativity have helped me maintain a balanced mindset, providing me with an option other than constantly watching news or social media feeds that increase my stress and anxiety levels.
Now, between patterns and prayer, I am a much calmer person. There are always moments of anxiety or panic that will kick in — those old friends are never leaving, sadly — but they aren’t telling me what to do anymore. Now I have the presence of peace of mind and heart, and lots of mindful, creative activities to provide me with productive outlets for my energy and to focus my mind.
If you have anxiety and haven’t yet found help, please definitely reach out to a medical professional for assistance. It will change your life for the better. Please also pick up a crochet hook, a colouring pencil, or a paintbrush, and adopt a creative practice. You will benefit from it immensely.
I know I did, and I never regret it.